Saturday, October 20, 2012

introspection EST

today seems strange... not the fourteen+ hours of studying. that part, unfortunately, has become incredibly ordinary. no complaints, though-- i signed up for this and am beyond lucky to be here. people would kill to be in my position, or so i tell myself to keep myself sane on days like this.

just some thoughts: 
the thing about living on the opposite side of the country from all of your favorite friends and family members is this: you find yourself reflecting about every little thing. it's compulsive, really; with no one to bounce the little ideas off of or wander aimlessly whilst retail therapy-ing, you really do end up alone with your thoughts. i'm finding that it's okay to be alone, though. in fact, it's more than just okay. being all on your own demands that you give your full attention to your self and your own happiness. nobody else will be picking where to order-in from tonight. no one else has input on what music you can play or how loud or what shows you record.. it's semi-liberating. but, more than that, it can be dangerous. it can introduce selfish, hermit-esque (guilty) trends that would worry the you from six months ago. but, is it worth the cost to really realize who you are, what you want, and what your life is all about? in my experience, the true dangers aren't the self-serving tendencies, though. the real problem, at least for me, lies in the questions that i can't answer and the problems i cannot solve simply by over-thinking them. to name a few, am i happy here? am i happy with who i've become? what's next for me? and the like. that's what's scary about being a grown up, all on your own; it's finally quiet enough to hear yourself think, and sometimes thoughts are scary.

tonight, i find myself wholly amused by the revelations a few minutes of quiet thought brings. namely, it's bizarre to think that i am a grown up. a strange grown up, but an adult all the same. this saturday night spent alone with my med school notes & the lull of damien rice in the background, chamomile tea in hand, i feel terribly old. i'm making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. i'm entirely responsible for myself & all that that entails. my world is comfortable and quiet and sweet, but oh Lord, is it looking old for its age. sometimes, i'm not sure if that's troubling or reassuring, but let's face it-- you're more likely to find me at j. crew or crate&barrel than at any club downtown... and i'm alright with that.