introspection EST

today seems strange... not the fourteen+ hours of studying. that part, unfortunately, has become incredibly ordinary. no complaints, though-- i signed up for this and am beyond lucky to be here. people would kill to be in my position, or so i tell myself to keep myself sane on days like this.


just some thoughts: 
the thing about living on the opposite side of the country from all of your favorite friends and family members is this: you find yourself reflecting about every little thing. it's compulsive, really; with no one to bounce the little ideas off of or wander aimlessly whilst retail therapy-ing, you really do end up alone with your thoughts. i'm finding that it's okay to be alone, though. in fact, it's more than just okay. being all on your own demands that you give your full attention to your self and your own happiness. nobody else will be picking where to order-in from tonight. no one else has input on what music you can play or how loud or what shows you record.. it's semi-liberating. but, more than that, it can be dangerous. it can introduce selfish, hermit-esque (guilty) trends that would worry the you from six months ago. but, is it worth the cost to really realize who you are, what you want, and what your life is all about? in my experience, the true dangers aren't the self-serving tendencies, though. the real problem, at least for me, lies in the questions that i can't answer and the problems i cannot solve simply by over-thinking them. to name a few, am i happy here? am i happy with who i've become? what's next for me? and the like. that's what's scary about being a grown up, all on your own; it's finally quiet enough to hear yourself think, and sometimes thoughts are scary.

tonight, i find myself wholly amused by the revelations a few minutes of quiet thought brings. namely, it's bizarre to think that i am a grown up. a strange grown up, but an adult all the same. this saturday night spent alone with my med school notes & the lull of damien rice in the background, chamomile tea in hand, i feel terribly old. i'm making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. i'm entirely responsible for myself & all that that entails. my world is comfortable and quiet and sweet, but oh Lord, is it looking old for its age. sometimes, i'm not sure if that's troubling or reassuring, but let's face it-- you're more likely to find me at j. crew or crate&barrel than at any club downtown... and i'm alright with that.

lukewarm

life after college has been a bizarre roller coaster of change, and i've loved every moment of it. it's been such an adventure.

first, i spent three weeks in fiji and my life/heart/perspective was changed forever. SO much beauty, so many amazing people, and SO much need!
then, my two-week trip to tennessee to visit family turned into a three month stay. AMAZING! now, i'm living in camarillo, in the midst of a million secondary applications for medical school, working 50 hour weeks, and getting plugged into the most amazing church (calvary nexus, holler!).
but... i'm having trouble with the monotony.

forgive me for sounding less than adult (i'm not ready yet, okay?!), but why does every week feel just like the preceding week? i've only been in the "real world" for a couple months and already, i'm drowning in monotony. it's this kind of routine that brings me to my big life question for the time being....

does growing up mean the adventure ends?

my "big girl" answer: i sure hope not!!

i've decided that i'm not longer satisfied (not sure i can say that after only two months?) with the mundane, but am in dire need of passion, fire, adventure, change. call me an adventure junky, but i just can't do lukewarm anymore. piping hot or arctic-tundra-cold-- at least then i'd be feeling something. 

so.

my solutions for now are.... 

• searching out mission trips through my sweet church 
• researching european tours with young peeps for spring time! babygirl needs a eurotrip in a bad way. 
• eliminating complacency and forcing myself to grow (via writing, reading, blogging, etc.)
• striking up new relationships & meeting cool peeps!
• & most importantly... continuing the med school app process! after all, if i get in, i get to move to a brand new apartment in a brand new city to begin a brand new life/career! that is the biggest adventure imaginable, right?! :) here's to hoping and praying!

tell me, friends, how do you guys mix it up? :)

MCAT mania

i have to say, initially... i didn't think it would be this difficult. and once i realized it would be one of my biggest hurdles thus far, i wondered if it was all worth it. after all, who am i to know at 20 years old exactly what i want for the rest of my life? and how many people are equally, if not more, deserved and qualified for medical school?? welp, the doom and gloom passed, but the stress remains. studying everyday for hours, waking up sweating from MCAT nightmares, and trying to prepare myself for the possibility that medical school may never happen for me... it's been one of the hardest seasons of my life. thank goodness for the light at the end of the tunnel and the silver lining.. if i just accomplish this, i may end up getting into medical school, and get to become a real DOCTOR. how amazing would that be?!

i am constantly reassured that this is where i should be and exactly what i'm supposed to be doing. after all, how disappointed would i be ten years from now if i never even gave my dream a real shot? so i suppose there's nothing left to do but give my everything until the MCAT is overwith, at approximately 1:30pm tennessee time on september 8th. until then, prayers and encouragement are certainly welcome!

hasta la vista

except in fiji, they speak english... which i like.

we leave for the ultimate getaway in two point five hours... eek!!!

fiji, here we come.

see those little bungalows? that's where you can find me until june 5th. YES PLEASE.

celebrate good times!

WOW.

graduation has officially come and gone... and now i'm a real college graduate!! i had a blast celebrating with friends and family post-ceremony and ended the night with a serious dance party. 

 my friends are AMAZING! maybe we even had too much fun? 

anyways, i got to spend the rest of the weekend with my family that came in from out of state! it was a bummer to see them leave.. but i can't wait to be back out in tennessee this summer for the fiddler's jamboree (obviously)!

because for me... nothing says summer like days on the lake with the fam, snowcones at the jamboree, and blowing stuff up on the fourth of july! i think i may be a southerner at heart.

BUT... before tennessee comes...

FIJI!!!!!

we leave on thursday night for three weeks in tropical paradise! can't wait to be on the beach, toes in the sand, margarita in hand...... with an MCAT study book in my lap. because, obviously, my entire carry-on will be full of MCAT goodies.. since that glorious day is quickly approaching!! june 16th, i loathe thee. 

so in short...

1. tomorrow: move back to camarillo
2. thursday: leave for the trip of a lifetime
3. june 16th: suffer the brutal beating that is the MCAT
4. end of june/july-ish: things are sweeter in tennessee

NO HOMEWORK. NO EXAMS. MORE SLEEP.
.... and maybe more blogging?!


wooohooo!!! 

51

fifty-one... that's it. only 51 more days until i'll officially graduate from college. now that is brilliant and terrifying and liberating all at the same time!

but there are times when the lists are long, the exams are brutal, and it starts to feel like i'm drowning. namely, nights like tonight.

but, just like any other challenge.. there is a promise for hope & deliverance. i'm finding serious comfort in His promise tonight. it was true thousands of years ago, and it's still true now-- praise Him.

in Deuteronomy 2:7,
"For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows you're going through the wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing."

wow-- we have lacked NOTHING. He provides for our every need; we need not worry or want for anything. when we lose confidence in our ability, we're actually questioning God's sovereignty. simply put, what God wants, God gets... thank goodness!